how i became a leader by accident

(and maybe you are one too)

I didn’t plan to be here

I didn’t raise my hand and say yes, let me leadl. I was placed, dropped into it nd honestly, I didn’t feel ready

For me, leadership began when my daily decisions stopped affecting just my own life

and started shaping the life of someone else

not just for a moment

but maybe forever

Motherhood, to me, is leadership

when you share it with a partner, it becomes shared leadership

you speak together about choices, education, rhythms

about how you want to impact your child

but when you don’t share it

when it’s just you

it becomes something else

something heavier

something lonelier

something unchosen

When my daughter’s father left

and moved back to germany

over 650 kilometers away

he didn’t just leave a city

he left a field

he left a responsibility and suddenly

it was just me just me and her

And that’s when i found myself at 27 in a leadership role i never asked for

Every decision i madefrom what we ate to how we lived to what time we got up became more than routine

it became imprint, memory, influence

And i kept wondering how did the women before me do this ?

at least they had partners or siblings

or elders around a tribe a structure

but me I had just me my body my choices my nervous system

and to be honest: it overwhelmed me

I didn’t know I had what it takes to lead to decide to not fall apart from guilt to trust myself to show up anyway

But I stayed and I learned sometimes gracefully sometimes, well not so much

I screamed I broke I lost it sometimes

but i returned again and again to love to presence to care!

Now I protect my daughter not just from the world but from energies that do not honor her from adults who never met their own inner child

and now want to dump their pain on mine

from men who are not truly devoted, whose love shows more inconsistency then donald trumps hairline

from teachers who speak down instead of meeting her eye to eye

I protect her by leading differently my leadership is not rational not conventional not always clear

it is instinctive emotional sometimes messy but I trust it

And now i’m leading us into the unknown

I canceled our apartment withdrew her from the societal praised kindergarten that lacked grace in meeting her needs eye to eye

packed our bags & chose berlin

do we know where we are going to stay here longterm yet? no! But I know that we will, because I like it here and my soul feels at home again.

I chose a new life, now big plans, no strategy, just trust in my breath, body, my leadership for me, for us and for her.

I realized I can only lead when i am met in my dreams, desires, strenght

when i am honest, when i don’t let the outside the voices the fear the ancestors the parents decide how far i go. Do I wonder how far I’'ll go? yes for sure!

I am the first in my line to get this far, not because i’m better but because i stayed because i listened because I knew

that if I wanted to lead her I had to learn how to lead myself, so here I am at 28 leading myself towards love that doesn’t drain me, friendship that supports and lifts up, work that makes me feel like I’m on fire, a home that feels safe, and a life that feels like a faritail, maybe not to you, but to me, my own little messy, imperfect faritail of a lovestory with life itself.

so if you’re reading this and you feel like you never chose this either you just loved something believed in something burned for something and ended up alone with it

with the responsibility with the decisions with the weight of it all

then you’re not alone

you’re one of us

the ones who lead

not because we wanted to but because no one else stayed

we lead from the fire, from the vision, from that quiet part of us that refuses to give up

even when no one sees it, even when no one asks,even when we’re not sure how

this is for you, not because you’re doing it perfectly, but because you stayed

because you held what others dropped, because you’re still here, even without a guarantee, even without applause, even without certainty

and if you’re one of us just know that I love you and I truly hope you love yourself too