we broke up
wholesome breakup no. 1
i was in the amazon.
he was in hawaii.
we talked.
a few days before our call, i had been on a three-day boat ride with no internet access.
like—middle of the freaking jungle, zero signal, howling my phone to the sky like simba in the lion king, hoping for just one bar to reach either my boyfriend or my acting agent.
before the boat trip, i’d had a call with a well-known german director.
after a few takes, she confirmed: i got it.
my first big movie role.
WTF.
after the confirmation, i decided to shorten my trip around the world—
and that somehow led me, alone, into the heart of the amazon.
so there i was, floating through the jungle on this wooden boat, no access to the outside world, imagining myself on the red carpet—
and then spiraling.
oh god. i should really be forbidden to think.
i started seeing this horror-movie version of my life,
where my wild, viking-looking, spearfishing-type american boyfriend stood next to me at premieres,
and it just… didn’t fit.
he was beautiful, grounded, fun, caring.
but fancy?
red carpet?
berlin?
creative chaos?
hell no.
and that made me feel awful.
he was a good man.
willing to come halfway across the world for me.
just not my man for this future.
when i finally reached land and reopened my phone,
i found out they had cancelled my role.
fuck.
since no one could reach me for days, they probably thought i’d been eaten by a cheetah or something.
and just like that, my first big chance… gone.
with a heavy heart, i kept going.
and a few days later, my boyfriend and i—
him in hawaii, me in the jungle—
had the softest, strangest breakup i’ve ever known.
we said “i love you.”
we said “but we don’t see a future.”
we cried.
and in that moment,
as i sat there with my new french friend from the boat, alice,
i felt something surreal:
the curtains of the room were petting me.
i swear.
they moved, gently, like they were stroking my skin,
saying:
it’s okay. this will pass.
and it did.
i cried and cried.
and then, suddenly,
the pain was gone.